AH! Someone please save me!

I am drowning in paper. There are piles of it everywhere. I don't think ONE room in my entire house is completely free of this curse. A few months ago I went around the house, throwing stacks into boxes and took it all downstairs and hid it in a giant closet. The thought was that I could start fresh, collecting every paper as it came in the door and destroying or filing it before it could pile up again. AND, I could go through one box a week from the closet and therefore ultimately achieve eventual organization.

It didn't work! The boxes in the closet are virtually untouched--I did have to claw through them a couple times looking for papers I needed--and now my desk, kitchen table, counter tops, fire place, night stand, speakers, bookcases, etc are again buried under mountains of chaos. I have a confession to make.

I am scared of paper.

Do they have a name for that? Surely I am not the only one. But honestly, I'm not kidding. Looking at it from across the room makes my stomach clench. When I get closer I feel queasy. Picking it up makes my heart race and my brain scream, 'Get out of here! Run while you still can!'

So, you might ask, if I am so afraid of paper, why do I allow it to constantly take over my home? There are a few reasons. First, paper is sneaky. It is always creeping in a little at a time in my children's backpacks, in my mail, the deacons drop it off with my fast offering envelope, Jason brings home receipts... Second, paper multiplies. I know this sounds scientifically impossible, but I swear it is true! If you put a piece of paper on top of any flat surface, next time you look at that spot there will be more!

But the biggest problem is really my own uncertainty and distractability. (The computer doesn't think that's a word, but I disagree.) When someone hands me a piece of paper often I do not know what to do with it! I'm not sure whether it is something I should keep or throw away! Will it be important later? I don't know! And, if I don't take care of it immediately--as in, throw away the "A" spelling test right in front of my child, or leave the dinner boiling untended on the stove to file receipts my hubby hands me when he walks in at night--it will be set down on some flat surface where it will camouflage itself until it has time to multiply.

And--it bears repeating--paper is sneaky. I can't take care of it immediately if I don't know it's there! Paper rarely announces its arrival. Hubby almost never hands me the receipts, he tells me he is putting them on the counter for me to take care of (while I am on the phone, trying to get a naked child dressed, cooking dinner, washing dishes...) Children only give me the things they expect me to hang on the refrigerator. Everything else gets dumped somewhere in the morning while they are rushing to get ready for school.

Before I know it I am once again surrounded!

What I would like to do is throw it all in the field behind my house and have a bonfire. But, more paper would sneak in while I was outside celebrating, and the IRS would call me the next morning to inform me that I am being audited.